


Jacob Does Not Have The Brains to Make This Up

by pinchess07



Category: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (Movies)
Genre: Credence is Elsa + Cinderella, F/M, Jacob is Alice, Let's face it Newt is Snow White and Hiccup, Queenie is Rapunzel, Seraphina is better than Mother Gothel, fairytale AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-16
Updated: 2016-12-21
Packaged: 2018-09-09 00:23:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,516
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8868742
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pinchess07/pseuds/pinchess07
Summary: Once upon a time, in a kingdom far, far away, there were two little princesses who lived in a tower. Their mother and father, the king and the queen, had decided that the men who wanted to marry their daughters should prove themselves worthy first, and so they filled the tower, save the top floor, with every magical, dangerous creature they could get their hands on.At first, all sorts of men came, hoping to prevail and marry one of the princesses. They would get to the front door...and advance no further. The door was guarded by an erumpent, whose hide was very thick and resistant to most weapons, and whose horn could blow up anything it impaled. As the years passed, the front lawn of the tower would get permanently stained with blood, and the stories would spread far and wide about the cursed tower with the impassable obstacles, and the parade of hopeful men would trickle down to just a couple of visits every year. --The fairytale AU that refused to stay quietly in my brain. So here it is.





	1. Jacob

**Author's Note:**

> Not beta'ed.

  
Once upon a time, in a kingdom far, far away, there were two little princesses who lived in a tower. Their mother and father, the king and the queen, had decided that the men who wanted to marry their daughters should prove themselves worthy first, and so they filled the tower, save the top floor, with every magical, dangerous creature they could get their hands on.

At first, all sorts of men came, hoping to prevail and marry one of the princesses. They would get to the front door...and advance no further. The door was guarded by an erumpent, whose hide was very thick and resistant to most weapons, and whose horn could blow up anything it impaled. 

As the years passed, the front lawn of the tower would get permanently stained with blood, and the stories would spread far and wide about the cursed tower with the impassable obstacles, and the parade of hopeful men would trickle down to just a couple of visits every year. 

\- -

Jacob Kowalski worked at a canning factory, a job which was so boring, he could almost feel his soul being leeched out of him with every passing hour. He used to be a soldier, and he craved the adrenaline, craved the fights to the death that he used to experience daily in the front line of the war. 

Finally, at sunset, when he could take it no more, he took out his grandfather's knife from under his bed, and made to stab himself with it. He closed his eyes, and therefore missed the fact that he had left his windows open, letting the fading sunlight in, which set the gems on the knife aglow in turn. 

And this is fine, it's all fine, normally. But it just so happened that a certain man was walking past Jacob's house, with a certain creature on his pocket. This creature was black as night, and blended well with the shadows, so other passersby took no notice of it. This creature also had the unfortunate tendency to think that any and all shiny things should belong to it. 

The knife that Jacob held was certainly shiny, and the creature could not resist. It scurried off its human with surprising speed, earning a frantic cry from the man. It went through the open window and was onto Jacob in short order.

Jacob, upon feeling something furry crawling up his arm, opened his eyes in alarm. His eyebrows nearly disappeared into his hairline upon setting eyes on the little black menace that was trying to tug the knife away and into its pocket. He flinched and jumped up in shock when he saw a man trying to squirm his way in through Jacob's open window, looking extremely guilty.

"Er..." The man was stealing glances at Jacob, then the black creature, then the knife, then back to Jacob.

"Who are you?!" Jacob barked in annoyance. The man flinched and ducked his head, his messy mop covering his shifty eyes. "And this--is this yours?"

The creature had subsided it's one-sided tug of war, realizing that Jacob had a very firm grip on his knife and was not letting go any time soon. Jacob grabbed it with his free hand and settled it on the crook of his arm. 

The man sighed and nodded. "I-It's a niffler. It likes shiny things, jewelry, coins, you name it. A-and yes, it's mine. And m-my name's Newt. Newt Scamander."

"Huh. I've never seen a niffler before," Jacob breathed out softly, giving the niffler a closer look. Newt looked up, amazed that Jacob had seemingly forgone being angry. 

"That's not what people normally say," Newt mumbled. Jacob quirked an eyebrow at him.

"What do they say then, these other people?"

Newt flinched and shook his head, the dark look in his eyes saying all there was to say. He took a deep breath, took another look at Jacob, and seemed to decide on something.

"Want to see some more?" 

Jacob goggled at him, this weird man in his window who owned a fantastical creature. Newt's eyes were twinkling in mischief, and his smile promised trouble. It was as if the man had switched personalities. The fidgety man of mere minutes ago  was gone and in his place was someone confident and playful, who had the gall to ask if Jacob wanted to see more. 

There was only one way to answer. 

"Oh God, yes!"

Newt grinned, and moved slowly as if to turn his back on Jacob. Jacob couldn't help but straighten his spine, and--

a flash of blue and green and teeth, right up in his face--

"Oops, sorry 'bout that," Newt said with a backward glance. The thing, whatever it was, had been sucked back to somewhere in the vicinity of Newt's sleeves. It reminded Jacob of a yoyo, but most definitely more...lethal-looking. Newt still had a crooked grin. 

The little shit was teasing him. And God help him, Jacob couldn't help but smile back.

"Well? You coming?"

"Couldn't keep me away of you tried," Jacob replied, handing the niffler over to Newt, and exiting (with great difficulty) through the window. Newt laughed at his enthusiasm. 

"What's your name?"

"Jacob Kowalski. Just call me Jacob."

\- -

They hurried off to a path Newt seemed to know by heart even in the dark, as the sun had set while they were talking. Jacob paid no mind to the house that he was leaving, so focused was he on tracing Newt's steps to wherever the guy was leading them to. 

"Ever heard about that story of the cursed tower, Jacob?" Newt asked out of nowhere. 

"The one where they say that if you take a single step on the front lawn, you'll explode into a million bits and pieces?"

Newt chuckled. "That's the one."

Silence.

And then, "Oh God, that's where we're heading?!"

"You don't have to sound so alarmed. I'll make sure my erumpent doesn't make you explode," Newt replied nonchalantly, fiddling with something on his collar, not even paying attention to the path. 

"Your what, exactly? I don't know if anybody's ever told you this, Newt, but you think you're being reassuring when you say things like that, and it's not reassuring at all," Jacob replied. 

"My erumpent. She looks vaguely like a rhinoceros, which is more commonly known. And, I'd like you to meet Pickett!" Newt said, turning and walking backwards to face Jacob. This was a bad idea, as there was a very inconveniently-placed root which Newt stumbled on. He flailed his arms, trying to regain his balance, and a thin, green something landed on Jacob's face. 

Jacob's eyes crossed just trying to figure out what it was, while Newt flopped flat on his back with a loud "Ooof!"

"Uh, so you're...Pickett, was it?" Jacob said, carefully lifting the green thing away from his face. Now that it was at a reasonable distance, he could see that it looked like a stick insect. A stick insect that was waving it's multiple arms at him. It did look kinda cute. "Nice to meet you too."

"He's a bowtruckle, and he eats woodlice," Newt blurted out happily. He scrambled up and dusted his hands. "Thanks for catching him."

"No problem."

"He lives with other bowtruckles on a tree, but he's got attachment issues and refuses to get left behind whenever I go out to town," Newt explained further when Jacob handed Pickett back.

"Oh. You've got a lot of bowtruckles, then? Along with nifflers, and erumpents, on that cursed tower?"

"Just the one niffler, thank Merlin, because I don't think I can handle more. He's already so much trouble. And the erumpent's mate died last mating season, bit unfortunate, that.  So I've only got one. But yes, lots of bowtruckles. And more creatures besides," Newt said proudly. 

"I...see," Jacob said slowly, his tone suggesting that he didn't see at all. And with a sudden idea popping up his mind, he added, "You don't happen to have a dragon as well, do you? Only, in all the other stories, they normally say a dragon guards the tower."

Newt was beaming at him by the time he finished talking. "That's right! I've got a beautiful Antipodean Opaleye on the second to the top floor."

Jacob's jaw dropped. 

"Don't worry, she's not dangerous, if you know what to do," Newt assured him. Jacob snorted. 

"Tell that to all the people who died because of dragons."

"Hey. It's not their fault! If you invade a dragon's lair, of course they'll fight back! And I won't let Emily dismember you or anything, I promise. I'll teach you what to do, don't worry!"

"Have you done this before, then? Brought someone to the tower and taught them what to do so they could rescue the princess? Surely everyone would know by now if that had happened..."

"Of course not! There's no one else like you in the world, Jacob Kowalski. And besides, who said anything about rescuing a princess?"

"The stories say that there are two princesses in this tower," Jacob protested, feeling rather like Newt was deliberately confusing him.

"That's true, and they're both very pretty as well," Newt said, mumbling and blushing at the last part, before continuing, "But I asked you if you wanted to see more of my creatures, you said yes, and I never mentioned anything about rescuing anyone."

"Right."

"They don't need to be rescued!" Newt insisted, arms crossing on his chest defensively. 

"Oh. They can come and go as they please?"

"Yes, of course! I taught them how, years ago! They live there voluntarily, and they're my friends, and they're friends with my creatures! Tina and Queenie aren't imprisoned there or anything!"

Newt's voice was shrill at the end of his impassioned speech, and Jacob was inclined to believe him. "I got it, I'm sorry for doubting you, Newt. I believe you. It's just strange, you understand? That the princesses would choose to live in the tower. Instead of in the castle, with the king and queen."

"You've never met Queen Seraphina and King Percival, I take it?"

"No, never got any reason to. Haven't been to the castle, but stories say it's grand."

"Yes, well. I have. Met them, that is. Seeing as I'm the 'head of security', it's kind of required of me. And they're not bad, they're just not the kind of parents that you'd want to live with, given the choice," Newt explained. Before Jacob could figure out how to respond to that, the path ended and they were on a clearing. The tower was a couple of meters away, clearly visible in the moonlight.

And so was the erumpent. Newt walked confidently up to the creature, and gestured for him to follow.

\--

Jacob's heart is pounding, and he is not scared. The smile on his face is wide, and he steps forward slowly, eyes never leaving the wondrous creature in front of him. He knows he's not dreaming. He doesn't have the brains to make this up.

 _And,_ he thinks of the tower beyond the erumpent, _there's more_. His smile widens.


	2. Seraphina

  
There were only five people in the whole kingdom who knew of the way through the tower, and could come and go as they please. 

Today, it was their mother, Seraphina, who was visiting. 

Queenie, the younger princess, was the only person on the tower at the moment. Tina, she knew, rose at the crack of dawn, and was out and about the shady parts of their kingdom, trying to catch some crook in her self-appointed crusade of lowering the criminal population. And where Tina went, Newt followed soon after, leaving Queenie alone in the tower. 

Queenie didn't mind this too much, and she had Newt's creatures to play with. She was partial to his Puffskeins on the fifth floor, and this was where her mother found her.

"Queenie, dear! It's so good to see you," the queen exclaimed, giving her a quick hug and a onceover. Her daughter was dressed as befitted a princess, except for the balls of fluff that seemed intent on nesting in her curly blonde hair. Seraphina's left eye twitched, but didn't mention it. 

Percival had gifted her with two wonderful children. Unfortunately, their children had also inherited traits from Percival that were fine on a man, but not so much on a woman. 

They had argued for days when Porpentina declared her intent to personally help her father uphold the law. Percival and Tina had won the argument then, by a very slight margin and a concession from Tina that she'd allow Newt (and his Swooping Evil)  to be her back-up. 

When Queenie started trailing after her sister, Seraphina put her foot down so hard, she left an imprint of her shoe on the floor. 

"Queenie dear, why would you even want to go after your sister?"

"I can hear people's thoughts and feel what they feel, Mother. I'll help Tina catch the criminals faster!" Queenie replied, fists clenched and eyes sparkling with determination. Tina must have just finished telling her a spectacular and highly-embellished story. 

"Your ability is precisely why I don't want you to do that, my child. I don't want you to be exposed to the impure thoughts of  lowlifes. Trust me on this, for Mother knows best. You are much too innocent and pure to spend time in the presence of criminals. You must remember to have patience and faith, for one day a good man will come, and he will overcome the obstacles of the tower. He will be worth the wait," Seraphina explained, and hoped her sincerity was enough to convince her daughter. She already worried enough about Tina on a daily basis and did not fancy the prospect of worrying about both of them.

Fortunately, Queenie relented. 

"What shall I do in the meantime, then?" Queenie asked with a pout. Seraphina could not hold back a sigh of relief and smiled. 

"I have always been of the opinion that your sister might benefit from a more...modern wardrobe. She complains constantly about the impracticality of floor length skirts when chasing after criminals. What do you think, dear child? Shall we go on a quest of our own?"

Queenie had agreed enthusiastically, and so their mother-daughter bonding time had been established. Queenie took to dressmaking like a hippogriff to the air, although Tina usually had a lot of things to say about the dresses that her sister made for her.

Such as: "It's pink, Queenie!"

"What have you got against pink? It looks beautiful on you!"

"I can't go chasing after thieves and troublemakers in a sparkling pink dress that barely reaches my knees, sister mine!"

And, when Tina could no longer stand the tears on Queenie's eyes that threatened to fall, "...Black would be fine." This concession would bring a small smile back to Queenie's lips, and all would be right in the world. 

Seraphina loved her daughters very much, and dreaded the ever-approaching day when when Queenie would meet her intended. She and Percival had both agreed to putting obstacles in the way, but it was only a stopgap measure, something to delay the inevitable. They did not look forward to seeing their children leave the nest, especially their youngest. Like all parents, they hated the uncertainty of the future. 

_Who would come? Where would he come from? What would he do, once he arrived? Would he take care of Seraphina's baby with all that he had? Would he cherish and love Queenie for the rest of his life?_

_If he should come from a far away kingdom, would he take Queenie away? Would Seraphina's last glimpse of her lovely daughter be on Queenie's wedding day?_ These were ever present concerns on her mind, and so she made sure to spend time with Queenie whenever time permitted. 

 


	3. Percival

  
Flitterblooms. 

Percival sighed, rubbing his temples. 

Why would anyone smuggle Flitterblooms, of all things? Moreover, why did Tina think it was important enough for him to look through? Granted, there were three whole carts of it, but gardening was hardly illegal. The supposed smuggler had admitted that he was planning to plant the whole lot on the castle grounds and gardens. So the things were supposed to be a  gift. He agreed with Tina that the guy was suspicious in his actions, but in his defense, it was kind of hard to surprise the residents of the castle with a gift if said gift was registered  and checked over at the castle gates.

Tina's intuition was usually very reliable. When they were holding auditions for a caretaker of the creatures guarding the tower, Tina had correctly predicted that Newt would be a good match for the position. When he asked how she knew, she said, "I had a feeling."

When he asked further, after Newt had proven himself capable, she grudgingly divulged, "He has something in his sleeve. I saw him talking to it earlier, when he thought it no one was looking. He was asking it to be good, promising snacks for good behavior. I don't know what it is, I won't even be able to describe it properly, but... it looked dangerous. If he's comfortable having that in his sleeve, he'll be right at home in the tower, taking care of everything."

Newt Scamander, when he arrived from across the Atlantic Ocean, looked very shifty. The air around him oozed of untrustworthiness, and he refused to look at anyone's eyes for more than a few seconds at a time. He refused to be parted from his briefcase, as though he carried gold in it, and looked very nervous when it disappeared from his vision for even a minute. In hindsight, Percival thought that Newt had a good reason to be nervous, because when the locks of the briefcase snapped open by itself, they were all greeted by the sight of a small, furry, black hand tentatively moving as if to open the briefcase further. Newt had dive-jumped the briefcase and held it in a white-knuckled grip across his chest, stammering apologies, becoming even more nervous than before. 

However, faced with Percival's newly acquired manticore, Newt had proved his merit in short order, seemingly able to garner respect from it in an astonishing amount of time. He had impressed Percival, frankly speaking, and that was the first time that Tina's knack made itself known, but it was hardly the last. 

And so, keeping his faith in his daughter's ability, Percival approached the first cartful of Flitterblooms carefully. He lifted the tarp covering the plants and scanned over the slightly swaying tentacles. In his opinion,  the plants looked vaguely menacing in the shade of the tarp. 

In fact, the tentacles exposed to the sunlight were noticeably inching back under the tarp, as if the sunlight bothered it. Percival squinted at it, remembering Tina's concern about why the supposedly normal Flitterblooms needed to be kept out of the sun. 

He felt a shiver run down his spine, and hastily uncovered the whole cart with a huge tug on the tarp. The plants immediately started smoking, though there was no fire, only the sunlight. 

In a matter of two minutes, the only things left on the cart were ashes. He immediately made way two the other two carts and did the same thing, making sure nothing except for ashes remained. His skin had broken out in goosebumps.

 _Mercy Lewis._ They weren't Flitterblooms. They were three carts full of Devil's Snare, a notorious plant from a very far away kingdom. Of course, his daughter wouldn't have ever heard of it before, but she was very good at listening to her instincts.

Thank goodness for Tina. He didn't know where the kingdom would be without her. Seraphina detested Tina's antics, but even she could not deny that Tina was good at what she does. Seraphina had lines on her face that became more pronounced as the years passed, and he had gray hair at his temples now, all because they both worried for Tina constantly. 

At least there was an aspect of Tina's future that they didn't need to worry about, and everyone knew it: Newt Scamander. Whether Tina or Newt would ever get the courage to take their relationship a step further, Percival knew that those two would stay by each other's side. Newt was utterly devoted to his daughter, more than any of his other beloved creatures, and Tina had never deemed any other man worthy of her attention after meeting him. 

He had bet that it would be Tina who would eventually make a move, and Seraphina had grudgingly said that Newt was unpredictable at times, and so the bet was on.

Maybe he'll drop another hint to Tina after he thanked her for letting him know about the Devil's Snare. Tina and Newt had known each other for several years at this point, and a nudge in the right direction surely couldn't hurt. 


	4. Credence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So my brain decided that Credence was Elsa + Cinderella. Oh my god.

  
"Credence, wake up!" 

Credence sprung awake at the whisper in his ear. He saw his two younger sisters when he turned his head to the side. 

"We're gonna go sneak out. Wanna come?" Modesty asked, mischief in her tone. 

"We're meeting up with Miss Tina. She promised to tell us more stories," Chastity explained in a rush. Credence couldn't see her face in the dark very well, but he could hear a smile in her voice, low as it was to prevent their mother from hearing.

Credence sat up slowly, grimacing when he saw the time on the clock on the wall. It was half-past four in the morning. He wondered why Miss Tina couldn't have met them at a reasonable time, but then his brain caught up with him: of course this was the most reasonable time available. The three Barebone children would be helping their mother all throughout the day, and Miss Tina likely had other matters to attend to as well. 

Chastity tsked, evidently deciding that he was not moving fast enough for her tastes, and grabbed his arm. "Come on, Credence, hurry up!"

"I wonder what story she'll tell us today? Do you think she knows a story about fairies?" Modesty asked excitedly, and Credence shushed her, motioning to their mother's closed door as they passed. She shut her mouth with a click. 

"You could ask her. Nicely. I'm sure she knows something. She knows a lot of things," Credence said once they were out of the house and on the way to the small clearing on the edge of town. 

They had met Miss Tina just a week ago, but despite that, Credence already wished that she was their mother instead. He knew his sisters felt the same. 

Miss Tina had straight dark hair like their Ma, but where Mary Lou Barebone had a severe, sharp haircut and straw-like hair, Miss Tina's hair looked healthy and well-taken care of and shone in the light of day. Her hair was also soft and smelled of flowers, as Modesty had found out when she had bravely hugged Miss Tina goodbye the other day.

Miss Tina wore plain clothes like Mary Lou and the Barebone children, but the difference was in the quality: thick and warm and more suited to the cool temperatures of Fall, whereas theirs were all threadbared.

Credence suspected she was from a well-to-do family, as she also regularly brought all kinds of food to share with the Barebone children during story time. 

Miss Tina was warm and caring, and the most brilliant thing was that she was warm and caring towards them. Credence had grown used to the way most people ignored him on the streets while he tried to hand out flyers about their mother's New Salem Philanthropic Society. As the oldest and as a boy, he was the one strangers avoided the most; Modesty and Chastity, being charming little girls, were more likely to be noticed. And so it was shocking to Credence how Miss Tina treated them all with equal warmth and kindness. 

Miss Tina was everything their mother wasn't, and Credence knew that Miss Tina suspected that something was wrong with the Barebone family. He kept quiet and made his sisters promise to do the same. He couldn't bear Miss Tina knowing what he was, what he could do. He could remember clearly how their Ma had looked like when she found out, and he couldn't bear it if Miss Tina reacted the same way. 

More than that, he couldn't bear it if Miss Tina stopped coming to see them if she found out about his secret, if she became too disgusted to ever lay eyes on him again. 

"Credence, hey," a voice said softly. A hand was placed tentatively on his shoulder, and he could feel its warmth through his clothes. He leaned into the touch before he could help himself, then realized with a jolt that it was Miss Tina, and cringed away. 

"S-Sorry," he mumbled. He realized that he had zoned out through most of Miss Tina's story. 

"Are you okay?" 

"I-I'm fine, Miss Tina," he said, unable to meet her eyes. "But... we should probably go back home before Mother notices we're missing." His sisters groaned in protest. 

"Yes, you're right. I'm sorry you guys have to wake up so early just to see me," Miss Tina said, and here Credence couldn't help but shake his head. 

"No! We love it when you visit, Miss Tina," Credence blurted out. Modesty and Chastity piped up with matching exclamations as well beside him. Miss Tina rewarded them with a smile.

"All right. I'll see you again in two days, okay? Take care of yourselves," she said, and with a final pat on Credence's shoulder, left to the direction of the town. 

Credence wanted to shout, wanted to beg her to come back and never leave them again. He bit his lip and ushered his sisters back to their house. Back to where they lived with their mother.

Back to where their mother was waiting for them with her hands on her hips, lips pursed and brows knitted together. 

He gritted his teeth and pushed Chastity and Modesty behind him. 

"Where have you been?"

Mary Lou's voice sounded like nails on a chalkboard. There was no warmth to be found anywhere in it. There never has been. There never will be. 

"It was my fault. I just wanted to show the sunrise to them."

The words escaped his lips in shaky, halting procession. He knew what was next: Ma would ask for his belt. Ma would whip him until she was satisfied and his back and arms and hands were covered in stinging red welts.

He could endure it. He would endure it. For Modesty and Chastity. He could feel the twisting darkness inside him wanting to lash out and retaliate, but he pushed it down as far as it would go. It was getting harder to control by the day, but he would not lose control of it today. Not today. Not yet.

**Author's Note:**

> I've got this headcanon that Jacob is a BAMF much like John Watson. And following that analogy, well, Newt just had to borrow some lines. I don't know how many chapters this is gonna be, and I only have the vaguest of plans (hint: romcom). Let me know what you think about the characterizations!
> 
> Find me on tumblr @pollethelazy


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